What Am I Afraid Of?

I spent all day yesterday at a writing retreat. Workshop after workshop, immersed in the art of putting words to paper. A hunger in my soul was fed.  The fire was fueled.  Writing prompt after writing prompt, exercises aiming to push you beyond.

I was afforded the opportunity to learn from the likes of Dawn Davies, Anne Barngrover, and Michael Hettich.  All amazing writers and teachers.

I’ve shared a few of the unedited pieces I worked on in their workshops below.

 

The Day I Thought I Was Dead in the Air

My body was playing a cruel joke

on me. I was pregnant and my heart

was pounding. Sweating and unsure

of my status, I looked at the flight

attendant as she paced up and down the aisle.

 

Please stop the plane. I am dying,

I wanted to scream. I was alone

in my row. No one to my right.

The space got tighter. Walls caving in

on me. Chest contracting. I couldn’t breathe.

The cabin pressure seemingly increasing.

Get me out of here.

 

 

What Am I Afraid Of?

I have been told by those who cannot understand, that I am all over the place. Scattered. Lost. Unsure. Why can’t I just find my bliss, they ask? My bliss is writing. I went to business school because I was trying to be someone else. I wasn’t true to myself and look where it got me. I want to be a writer, but is it realistic? Most would say no.  The odds of making a living off writing are against you.

Forget them. DO YOU.  Follow your heart.

Will I just end up a starved artist instead?  I’m thirty now.  Almost thirty-one. I have kids, a husband, a house – responsibility.  Own it. I can’t just put all the pressure on my husband to provide. To pay the bills, to put food on the table. To pay my student loans. All for the sake of my dream. Can I?

I always said that being a mother and a wife were my greatest accomplishments. That I didn’t need a career. What if I was deceiving myself?  All of that is great.  I am blessed, but I want more. Need more. Is that okay to say? Well, I said it.

I will say it again.

I love my boys more than life. I have an amazing husband who is loving and selfless. He just wants me to be happy.  Isn’t that enough?

No. Because what would make me happy is to be a mother, a wife, and an author. A trinity, like the most perfect of trinities. The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit. God, help me.

But what if?  What if that never happens?  Will my life have been a total failure? Because I never achieved that singular goal?

To fear is to sin.  Let it go.

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  1. Reply

    Mark

    May 22, 2018

    You are a great writer! You are like a river or the sea; one can look at you but not have any idea what is beneath the surface, and there is all this rich life flowing there. You have such an interesting background and wide range of experiences from which to draw characters and epic page turners. Go Cam, so fun to see you write! 💪

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